[feeling spicy] a new series of fuller expression
Something I’ve been hesitant to publicly display (in life in general, not just re: stroke stuff) is my spicy side. The fifth-line, Gate of Friction* parts of me that are no-nonsense, downright intolerant, and often judgmental. If any of you have been around since the beginning of this blog — back in the Blogger days — perhaps you’ve been wondering where that side of me went because she used to live quite out loud! 🤣
The thing is, everyone has these sides to them, and when we aren’t willing to express them, we aren’t being truthful. This doesn’t mean we should all willy-nilly go on rampages attacking innocent bystanders (though clearly the American collective especially has been moving through that for a long time); it comes with personal responsibility. It comes with knowing our impact.
And so even though I can play a masterful long game of pretending I’m all love and light all the time (and I have), the truth is I’m not. When I chronically hide my more unsavory feelings, it is an act of violence against myself.
When we aren’t being truthful about who we are, we are inherently un-trustable. We are engaging in a subtle manipulation rooted in the fawning trauma response in an attempt to find safety in our audience. Yes, trauma responses make sense given our histories — but the kicker is, when we do that, we inevitably become the one who is unsafe for others.
So I’m going to experiment with a series here called “Feeling Spicy.” Please take care of yourselves and don’t read the posts about topics you know you don’t have the capacity to stay grounded in and hold yourself in. I’ll be mindful of informing you of what I’m about to talk about on those posts.
A note, too, about this series: It is likely that conditioned “stuff” will come up for you. You may want to rebut or argue with me or convince me.
This is not the place for that. This is my digital space that I pay for, care for, and put my love into creating out of generosity.
If you become so activated you cannot tolerate reading my words without jumping into my comments section to try and put me in my place, know that I will definitely delete it.
The Internet can be a magical place where we are able to share ourselves, and I am so fucking thankful for it. And, it’s also a place where lots of people have developed the cowardly habit of hiding behind anonymity to dump their vitriol.
This was something my friends and I would do as 14-year-olds discovering chatrooms for the first time. I’ll rephrase this: Hiding behind anonymity on the Internet in an attempt to antagonize another is a behavior appropriate for young teenagers dealing with the confusion and turmoil of puberty without a healthy outlet.
So as much as I accept I haven’t always been “above it,” I encourage anyone who may find strong issue with hating on what I have to say to take it to their space. Their journals. Their art. Their therapist. Their blog. Their social media.
That said, being a human is complex and nuanced. There is only hope to heal rifts within ourselves and others through connection and personal responsibility.**
What that might look like is this: if you are able to stay in your body, to breathe and ground, with your heart open, any entitlement to my time/attention/energy in check, and there is something you’d like to say in response, you are welcome to write to me from that place.
Here we go!
Pamela
*For those of you who are familiar with Human Design, I’m a 5/1 emotional generator with the full Channel of Mating that includes Gate 6 (friction). If you aren’t familiar with HD, I will eventually post either some resources or a full article on this very important system I live in experimentation with.