[forgiveness friday] no apologies for the body’s needs

This week, I got sick.

I almost never get sick.

I think there was a part of me that actually wanted the excuse to slow things down and refocus on me again. Instead of either pushing ahead, blinders on, or completely shutting down and becoming a total couch potato for two weeks (what I might’ve done in the past), I did my best to find a sweet spot between the two. I’ve slept good amounts and watched a few hours of Gilmore Girls reruns, but I’ve also kept focus on my goals all week without exhausting myself.

Guess what — what normally would’ve dragged out for two long weeks, I can already tell, is having its chance to work its way out of my body, and even though I’m not yet 100% to my normal energetic best, I feel pretty damn good for someone with the sniffles!

I share this because it is so. important. to listen to your body. So important to intentionally slow down when you’re running on fumes, and equally important(!!), to pick up the reins on necessary structure and direction when you’ve been flailing.

By the way, most people in our society regularly run on fumes. Which means most of them expect you to, too.

I historically have received a lot of flak for the pace I live my life at. It’s upsetting to a lot of hardworking people who hate to slow down, and especially since by appearance alone I can “pass” for one of them, I become an easy target.

It’s kinda like when I was an undergrad and all my roommates (where were always science majors!) would be like, “Do you ever study?” and I’d laugh — because my version of “studying” looked more like staring at my surroundings. (I majored in creative writing and Italian.)

I vastly prefer to live my life with plenty of space to do my own thing. It doesn’t mean what I’m doing is less valuable than what “the scientists” are doing, just that it’s different.

As a matter of fact — the other day I stumbled across this meme with statistics around Australia’s “working age” (18-65) stroke survivors and felt really validated:

Of the interviewed, the number one unmet need for these survivors was “psycho-emotional and cognitive support.”

The validation and joy I experienced wasn’t because I’m happy to see there are stroke survivors strongly in need of more emotional support (#duh), but because sometimes I wonder if what I’m sharing here is useful. If it’s needed.

Of course it’s needed. I write what I frickin’ wish I had had access to after I experienced my stroke.

But here’s an opportunity. Where else in my life am I seeking validation for what I am doing? That, just because it’s not popular, I feel like I have to defend or justify?

For me, it’s often around slowing down or speeding up. Every day I experiment with different doses of this.

We’ve discussed how I’ll sometimes get honked at while crossing the street “too slowly” for some impatient drivers. When that happens, I shake it off. (What am I going to do, chase them down the street to have a meaningful conversation about the virtues of compassion and patience?)

“How you do one thing is how you do everything” is a blanket statement, for sure, but oftentimes is also true. I get “honked at” for crossing streets “too slowly” all over the place.

I take “too long” to eat.

“Too long” to say what I want to say.

Often, I take a long time to even process what I’m feeling in real time.

It’s taken me 15 years to get to the point where now? I know that I just need the space I need. I don’t schedule calls and meetings back to back because I’d rather set myself up to win. I do my best not to agree to things I’ll inevitably disappoint people over. (“Can you be there two hours early?” Uh, have you met me?)

It’s a question of self-esteem and valuing what it is you need in order to be effective.

I don’t go a day without ensuring I’ve got “me” time to replenish my own energy before (and during, if I’m honest) energetically demanding circumstances. Ideally, I’ve got a couple hours in the morning to meditate, dance, and talk a walk (yes, even in the snow). And at night, I complete the day with journaling and energetic practices.

I do this often, so that on the days I don’t, it’s okay; I’m already loaded up, like a bank balance with a $1000 buffer. I’m making regular, daily deposits.

If you’re apologizing for taking care of yourself and/or people are accusing you of being too selfish for doing so, stop apologizing. Stand your ground and bask in it.

Guaranteed, without these practices I’d be Bridezilla, where my entire life is my wedding.

You may lose people you love, perhaps for a time, but I assure you, life feels far better when you’re surrounded by people who at least respect your needs. Where one person may leave you, there then becomes space for someone more aligned with you to fill. We live in a world of plenty — don’t be too attached to things looking a certain way. Better to have fewer, higher quality people in your life than a boatload of nasty shade-throwers.

On a very quick, but related, aside, the poet Mary Oliver passed away today, and I’d love to leave you with her poem “Wild Geese.”

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

Your homework for today is to find one thing you need to provide yourself that you haven’t been (until now), such as finding a pocket of your own “me time” or half an hour to read a good book — and claim it for yourself.

Meanwhile, the world goes on.

It always will. And as long as you live, you will have needs. Isn’t it about time to drop the judgments around having them — and start getting them met?

Stand your ground; it’s your job.

Did this resonate with you? Confuse you? Inspire you? Let me know in the comments, and share with someone who could use it!

Warmly,

Pamela