The thing is, everyone has these sides to them, and when we aren’t willing to express them, we aren’t being truthful. This doesn’t mean we should all willy-nilly go on rampages attacking innocent bystanders (though clearly the American collective especially has been moving through that for a long time); it comes with personal responsibility. It comes with knowing our impact.

And so even though I can play a masterful long game of pretending I’m all love and light all the time (and I have), the truth is I’m not. When I chronically hide my more unsavory feelings, it is an act of violence against myself.

When we aren’t being truthful about who we are, we are inherently un-trustable. We are engaging in a subtle manipulation rooted in the fawning trauma response in an attempt to find safety in our audience. Yes, trauma responses make sense given our histories — but the kicker is, when we do that, we inevitably become the one who is unsafe for others.

So I’m going to experiment with a series here called “Feeling Spicy.” Please take care of yourselves and don’t read the posts about topics you know you don’t have the capacity to stay grounded in and hold yourself in. I’ll be mindful of informing you of what I’m about to talk about on those posts.

A note, too, about this series: It is likely that conditioned “stuff” will come up for you. You may want to rebut or argue with me or convince me.

This is not the place for that. This is my digital space that I pay for, care for, and put my love into creating out of generosity.

If you become so activated you cannot tolerate reading my words without jumping into my comments section to try and put me in my place, know that I will definitely delete it.

The Internet can be a magical place where we are able to share ourselves, and I am so fucking thankful for it. And, it’s also a place where lots of people have developed the cowardly habit of hiding behind anonymity to dump their vitriol.

This was something my friends and I would do as 14-year-olds discovering chatrooms for the first time. I’ll rephrase this: Hiding behind anonymity on the Internet in an attempt to antagonize another is a behavior appropriate for young teenagers dealing with the confusion and turmoil of puberty without a healthy outlet.

So as much as I accept I haven’t always been “above it,” I encourage anyone who may find strong issue with hating on what I have to say to take it to their space. Their journals. Their art. Their therapist. Their blog. Their social media.

That said, being a human is complex and nuanced. There is only hope to heal rifts within ourselves and others through connection and personal responsibility.**

What that might look like is this: if you are able to stay in your body, to breathe and ground, with your heart open, any entitlement to my time/attention/energy in check, and there is something you’d like to say in response, you are welcome to write to me from that place.

Here we go!

Pamela

*For those of you who are familiar with Human Design, I’m a 5/1 emotional generator with the full Channel of Mating that includes Gate 6 (friction). If you aren’t familiar with HD, I will eventually post either some resources or a full article on this very important system I live in experimentation with.

This was originally in response to a carousel I’d read on an account dedicated to disability, claiming that the term “special needs” was problematic.

One of my modern pet peeves is about language policing, because

1. You can’t control what other people say, and
2. not all people with the same marginalized identity share the same preferences

To be honest with you, I personally hate the term “disabled” and prefer to use “people with disabilities,” since I don’t like for “disabled” to define anybody.

And that entire account (as well as other advocates for PWD I’ve heard speak) apparently have no issue with it, so . . .

And to say “special needs” is derogatory or condescending is a projection.

I have total approval for people who require extra accommodations.

In my lifetime as a really good textbook fifth line in Human Design,* people generally have no problem letting me know if I’ve misstepped/misspoken and I’ve never had anyone call me on using this term. This is because the people around whom I’ve used it are able to feel my total approval (i.e., lack of judgment or condemnation) for having special needs. This is why I generally don’t try to “correct” people’s language.

None of this is black and white.

Being a human is complex and nuanced, and we can only hope to heal these rifts in connection by giving people an opportunity to learn with compassion.

Yours,

Pamela

A note on the [feeling spicy] series & my boundaries around it: These are my positions on the subject, and I am definitely not available for debate. If you are able to self-regulate and respond from a grounded place, you are welcome to leave a comment.

Read here for my rules of engagement.